Friday, 20 January 2012

Admitting Failure...gracefully

I am a perfectionist of sorts, I always, stubbornly want to do my best- if my lazy self will actually bother to do something. You see I'm lazy, so when I decide (and painstakingly plan) to do something I want to do it so well that: 
a. I do not have to do it a second time, and 
b. it's fabulous at first instance (so I can go back to being lazy). 
I hate to fail. Failure irritates me. If I had my way I would bury all record of that incident, preferably with a superb, flawless sample of whatever it is, erasing all memories of previous attempts from all minds. I try until that 'otoolege' stage when everyone wonders what is wrong with me. If unsuccessful, I will wish to annihilate all evidence of the attempt so I can carry on my life with practised indifference toward that 'thing'. 
I do this with (real) friends too: since it is illegal to kill that person because relations have broken down, I can only try to bury the past record by replacing it with a better one. (Most will wonder why I am still bothering.) If all attempts fail, I will carry on with my life, practising indifference until it becomes my reality. 
I've realized I'm not spurred on to do 'better', (just) because of how much I want to hold on to that person/relationship or the value I attach to it, but I'm usually trying (in a desperate frenzy) so that I have not failed... I want to be the great life long friend, not the friend who faded away; That amazing girlfriend who stuck through it all, not one of the exes; the indispensable business partner who saved the business, not the one who bailed. I stick stubbornly to this 'plan' till even I can't remember why I'm trying so hard. 

I've also discovered that when you give people "too many chances they start playing you like they have 9 lives". This leads to disappointing 'results': I'm putting in 110%, they are putting in little or nothing; I'm trying harder and harder and only getting less and less. *sigh*
I am learning a new trick, (better late than never *talk to the hand smiley*) "how to be thankful for 'regrets' ". I think it's naive to think you'll go through life without making any mistakes or actions that you will regret, but depending on your attitude towards them it technically wont be a regret! I can't stop myself from feeling bad about giving up on certain things/people, that's just how I am because I've been made to feel really selfish about looking out for only myself...
* talking to self* You cannot win 'em all, try as hard as you might. You will lose some! The plan is not to hate yourself or beat yourself up for that. The plan is to forgive yourself; move on to better things, using the failure as a lesson... first-hand digg? Applicable to all failures and  disappointments in life: people, places, things, actions, reactions, purchases, non-purchases, risks... Everything! 

"we need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that  we did badly. It reminds us that we can do better"(well it should remind us that we can do better not that we did badly! so from now on it will)

ps. Achiaa and Ruthy, this is me being emo :) *yaaay!!!*