Sunday, 15 April 2012

Unfinished business

Apparently there's one person that you will never get over.
You may go for aaaages: weeks, months, even years without a thought of this individual but one day you will see him/her.
Or someone will bring them up.
Or that ultimate catalyst: Facebook will pull up a picture of theirs or their profile.
Suddenly all your progress is retarded and you find yourself back at square one.
That square where you found yourself stuttering and bumbling, perhaps a bit teary eyed, at worst complete water works; right back at the spot you never ever want to be back at: the spot before you were over him/her.
Such betrayal by your body and your brain,huh? I mean, hello!?? I thought we had agreed we didn't care anymore! so what gives!??? *pout*

But you do care, don't you?
All he/she has to do is beckon to you to come and you'll drop everything and fly to their side, calmly and in a dignified manner, of course. If he/she handed you a key to a room, the expression "get a room" would be what you'd want to illustrate in 3D: naked limbs and flying clothes and all incidental bodily contact.

If at this point you're still in denial, on question: can he/she still piss you off?
Does a small comment, from him/her insignificant-from-any-other-person but from him/her dissolve you into tears or turn you into an active volcano? No matter how hard you try to ignore it? 
We're praying for you. Maybe one day they will find a cure, ok? There, there.

Who chooses who gets to stay in our brain anyway? Because if you remember all the cute gestures, stolen kisses, holding hands, or sappy songs
that were sung to you, or favourite sayings, you're still at square one. Maybe you'll bump your head and amnesia will be kind to you. Maybe.
But why is this person different in your (long?) list of discarded love interests?
Maybe he/she was the one you wanted the most, but didn't want you back? The one you expended the most effort and time on? Maybe he/she was the one everything was perfect with but something kept you apart, a mum or dad or tribe or something. Maybe he/she was the one you just couldn't figure out? Just couldn't tune to your frequency. The one who couldn't love you the way you wanted to be loved.
Aren't you tired though? Everybody knows how hard you have tried. You've already done everything you could do twice over and it didn't work? What is left to try?

Nothing. (Repeat out loud. )

Your friends are tired of talking and the self help columns on the internet were written for you.
Read carefully: he/she will never answer your questions. He/she will never be there the way you want. He/she has to be written off as a bad debt. History will repeat itself.

So you lost one, you couldn't conquer them all. One slipped through the cracks. One got away.

Please let it go, before they take you away in a straight jacket. Business will always feel unfinished with that person, as long as you care. At least you know you have such a great, long suffering capacity to love. That's good! (Right?). It will come in handy again...soon.
It must be infuriating to know that someone somewhere can just snap his/her fingers and bring down your house of cards with zero effort. But you are stronger than him/her and those feelings. You just have to believe that too! Pray for it with all your strength.
You will get over him/her
One day you will see them and not be jarred out of the comfort of your existence... Maybe a small jolt, but not the earth shattering apocalypse that usually happens.
Then you would have arrived. Until then give it up and go on.
No. Really.
Stop wondering.
And if this doesn't work, fake it till you make it. It beats being a messy wreck, trust me.

(And no, I'm way beyond such immaturity. I'm not telling you this from anything close to a personal experience. How ludicrous).