Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Open Closure

Konadu shifted from one foot to the other. She stared, confounded. This wasn't how she had imagined it.
When she was buying her plane ticket, she had imagined him being remorseful, beside himself with grief and unable to bear the pain he had caused; full of excuses, none sufficient.
When she boarded the flight, she dreamt of him offering the heavens to make amends, which she naturally refused. She didn't want anything from him.
...Or did she?
Right now, face to face with her father after 27 years she realised she might not really know what she wanted.
But she didn't want this!! -
The man who was her father, had been indignant that he had done no wrong! Saying he had done the best he could have afforded to do in the circumstances.
Ehn!?
"The best!??" She echoed, incredulous.
Unconsciously she scratched her head, puzzled. He did the same, unsettled.
They went back and forth for a while and Konadu unexpectedly burst into tears.
He offered a hesitant embrace and his reward was a stinging slap.
She was immediately sorry and moved towards him to comfort him...then flinched, instantly upset with herself for harbouring a shred of pity towards this cruel man.
Overwhelmed by her emotions Konadu sank into a settee and cradled her knees, tears falling silently.
"I'm sorry M'ewura" he said, using a pet name she thought belonged only to her grandmother. The fact that he knew it and had used it angered her more.
"For what!??" Konadu spat out, venom colouring each word, "You did the best you could, didn't you?"
He hung his head and wrung his hands.
"For causing you pain" he offered in a small voice, as if afraid.
"Pain!??" Konadu laughed,a bitter sound she didn't recognise. She felt as if she was having an out of body experience. She shot out of the seat,
"I'm so past apologies 'Dad'! I just want to know what happened...what went wrong! so I can explain it to myself and move on with my life!!"
The dad had been hurled out with such scornful force that she had no doubt his shocked reply was the truth:
"I honestly dunno"
Her sails lost their billowing wind. Even her tears evaporated. She sank back into the seat.
She hadn't been expecting this. She had expected a story. An incident. An explanation!
Something!!
Not this...empty victory.
What was she supposed to do with this??
How would she heal or construct anything from that?
She thought he would give her something. Why after 27 years of virtually nothing she expected so much she did not know.
This was worse than square one. It was ground zero.
That awkward moment when the much hyped confrontation brings no closure...only questions no one can answer.

"Ok"
And that was it.
Who knew? He might even allow her to leave peacefully. She picked up her bag, what else was left to do but to walk away?